Is it Destiny?

Many questions are raised when it comes to autism.  Is is undeniable that autism is an issue where some action should be taken.  The differences rise when deciding what should be done.  How much money should be spent on autism research?  What is the true cause?  Is it singular or circumstantial, meaning is autism caused by one reason or can many different factors react in different ways to cause autism of various severity?  Many of those questions will not be answered in my life time.  I don't really expect them to.  What is clear to me is that I have a role to play.

I have a unique perspective of autism that can be shared through my writing.   I have been trying to do that in various ways in the past few months through this blog.  Feedback of any kind really helps me because I can come up with ideas, insights, aspects of my life that I think could help someone to better understand the spectrum as I see it.   Without any feedback, I feel like am just blundering forward, without any clear idea of whether my ideas are making a difference or not.

I know that a writer can never understand the full impact that their work has on the people who read it.  There will be critics for every declarative statement.  Not everyone will agree with what I say.  Not everyone will see the practical value of my words.  Let it be known that I am my own greatest critic.  I drive myself crazy over details of my writing, even those factors that I cannot control.   After I write something that will be read by others, I run over the outline in my head.  Of course there are parts that I think are pretty good.  The more I look at it, however, the more I see that could be changed. I make a point of not changing my blog too much after I post them.

I am a real worrier and everyone who is close to me will concur with that statement.  I drive my family crazy, fretting over aspects of my life, most of which that I can't control.  I worry about my classes.   I worry about work.  I worry about this blog. I worry about what I say is actually making a difference.  I know I can't control how many people read my blog and what they think.  I really worry about what people think of me.  That is the big thing.

I know that I have autism and that I'm a writer.  That has to count for something in this world.  My psychiatrist who I have been visiting for more than ten years told me that someone who both has autism and can exhibit insights about their condition through writing is very rare.  When we concluded the appointment, we both stood up, he shook my hand, and wished me luck in my writing endeavors.  That is something that I will never forget.

I first sat in that office as a depressed twelve year old who knew he was different and wasn't okay with it.  I wanted to fit in.  Now I know as a member of the autistic community, it is my fate to tread upon paths that have never yet been ventured.  Being different than others is not something that I accepted when I was younger.  I still fret about it these days.  I just have to tell my self that I have a gift.  I should use it.  The rest will take care of itself. 

So is it destiny?  That I have the ability to write about my autism?  I don't know the answer.  I just know that I'm going to keep on writing and do the best I can.