Learning to Read

When I was younger, I really had better things to do than learn how to read.  There were toys to play with, and movies to watch, and friends to play with outside.  I really did not want to sit down and look at the words on a page.  My mom made me.

I remember being forced to sit in my doorway to read Dr. Seuss' "Are You My Mother?"  In the book, this little bird hatches and falls out of his nest. Throughout the story, he keeps on asking both other animals and inanimate objects whether they are his mother.  He does not give up until he finds his real mother. This book can symbolize my mom's actions.

My mom held me in her lap, and held the book in front of us.  She tried to get me to read the words on my own.  To me, it was agonizing to stay and one spot and not be able to leave until I read this book.  The book was probably fifteen pages long.  To me, it seemed much longer.  I was perhaps four or five years old at the time.

I was stubborn, I whined and struggled and argued against reading.  However, by age twenty three, I have realized that I cannot outdo my mom in an argument she believes strongly in.  Although she got frustrated at times, she did not give up on me.  Over time, and much repetition of that very same book, I was able to read it on my own.  Ever since then, my mom has helped me to not only read the words off a page, but to seek out books on my own, to read.  All the time through, I fault against what I thought was difficult and altogether something that I did not want to do. 

We went to the library all the time.  She had no trouble getting me to read "Star Wars" books, but she tried to get me to read many 90's book series.  The Hardy Boys, The Berenstein Bears, The Littles, The Magic Tree House.  My problem was once I got comfortable with a book, I did not want to read anything else.  Another problem I had is I would not read each word, but skip around the page until I gathered the meaning of what was being said.  In the end, my mom's persistence won.  By middle school, she was tired of trying to get me to read.  I still wasn't reading up to the standard of other students, but I was now seeking out new books on my own.

I guess I have to say that the moral of this story is that persistence paid off in my case.  Don't give up, no matter how hard it is.  There is always a light at the end of the dark tunnel, a silver lining during the heart of the storm.

Meet Eric Sissom

For my first blog post about an autistic achievement, I went to a few websites to see if I could find a recent event that occurred within the past week.  After searching through several major newspaper companies, and not finding a single recent event, I resorted to Google to try to find an achievement made by someone with autism.  After some searching, I stumbled upon Eric's personal website.

Eric Sissom was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome at age fourteen.  He has documented a large portion of his personality, his beliefs and interests, and many of his autism symptoms.  I has quite surprised when I read that milk gave him an almost nicotine type "high."  Eric will soon graduate with a Master's Degree in Information Systems from Middle Tennessee State University.  This is quite an accomplished young man.

There is no specific accomplishment to report here, as I had intended; just another success story that proves that those with autism can find a place within society and excel in the talents that have been given to them.

To view more information about Eric and his many insights into autism, visit his website at http://www.ericsissom.com/autism/index.html

Autistic Story, Post One

In a post last week, I stated that I was going to begin a story about an autistic teenager.

So, let us now enter Chris's mind:

 

Like the rest of the class, I examined the problem on the board: You have four bins of tennis balls, and one of the bins is defective.  Each tennis ball is supposed to weigh one ounce, the ones in the defective bin weigh point nine ounces.  You have an electronic scale that you can only take one measurement with, how do you determine which of the bins is defective?

I finished reading the question and thought for a moment, my brain refusing to tackle the problem.  A line from a movie I had watched recently entered my consciousness.  The lines echoed in my head, Alec Baldwin's character following a trail of logic to solve a problem.  I tried to imitate that logic in my head and apply it to the problem.  I hit a wall, and thought about it some more.  I had a path to follow, but how do I distinguish between the bins.  Then it came to me, just like that.

I am a complete genius, I thought with triumph.

I quickly raised my hand.  I was the first one out of everyone in Mr. Ike’s statistics class.  I savored times like these like no other.

“Yes Chris?”  Mr. Ike looked eagerly at me.

I took a deep breath.  “I have the answer to the tennis ball problem.”  I said quickly then I stopped, my thoughts beginning to collapse.

“Yes, go on.”  Mr. Ike prompted me.

I was aware that the whole class was watching me.  I began speaking again, instantly my brain kicked into action: “First you have to label the number of bins as one, two, three, and four.  Next, we know the defective rate so we can use that to solve the problem.  Take one tennis ball out of the first bin, two out of the second bin, three out of the third, and four balls out of the fourth bin.  Place all of the tennis balls on the electronic scale and take the only reading we are able to.  Divide the weight given on the scale by the defective rate and you will have narrowed it down to the one bin with the defective tennis balls.”

There was silence in response to my answer.  I ducked my head, aware that every one of my classmates was staring at me.  Mr. Ike was staring at me too, but he was smiling.

“You are absolutely correct Chris.  Very good.  Now, did everyone understand that?”

There was more silence so Mr. Ike started explaining my answer to the class.  I wasn’t listening.  I was savoring the moment.  I had just solved the problem that no one else could.  And I did it all in my head.

*              *              *

I walked through the crowded hallways of school, keeping my eyes on the feet of the person in front of me.  I wanted someone to stop me and talk to me, with some sign of recognition, but that never happened.  Then I worried myself over what I would say if they did.  I always seemed to freeze up in social situations, I couldn’t help it.

I had received some appraising glances from my classmates as I let the Mr. Ike’s statistics class.  It had taken several explanations before the rest of the class understood.  I felt that everyone was watching me, wondering how I could skip several steps to solve the golf ball problem in my head. I just took a different caliber of thinking.

And yet, I still felt unsatisfied.  It didn’t make any sense to me how I could be so smart, and yet so…I don’t know.  Clueless.

I have autism, but at the same time it is not autism.  I know that doesn’t make any sense.  My official diagnosis is Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified.  It is basically autism that cannot be placed into any of the major categories such as Aspergers Syndrome, or anything like that.  I can solve problems like Mr. Ike’s tennis ball problem by skipping steps, performing mathematical analysis in my head.  And yet, it doesn’t seem like I have what it takes to approach new people in the hallways in school to make friends.  It was something that I would just have to accept about myself, over time.

(In Chris's story, he solves a problem first that the class is trying to figure out. I did not make up this problem, if anyone was wondering.  I did solves an identical problem in a college statistics course last year in my head.  I was told by the professor that his more advanced undergrad course, a Spreadsheet Modeling class, was unable to solve that problem in an hour, and I was able to solve it in my head in in twenty minutes while the professor went on with his lecture.  That event formed the basis for this story, which, I admit, was written long before I decided to start a blog about autism.  I tried the best I could to recall the process I followed while solving the problem, and put that process in a form that someone else could understand.   The second part of the story is not based off of any particular event, but through that I tried to imitate how I feel moving through large crowds, such as the hallways in a high school.)

A Revelation Decision

I have talked about my retail job in previous posts, where I have discussed my new position in the clothing department.  Over my nearly five years of working there, I have considered knowledge of my autism to be private.  I only revealed that information to people I took into my confidence, people who I believed would have an understanding of the condition and what it really means.  I haven't always taken into account the my type of autism, Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified, is not typical for autism by any means.  I have learned that even if I reveal that I have autism, the question remains: what do I expect someone to do with that information?

My autism is not typical for the spectrum.  PDD-NOS is the category the doctors place people who match symptoms of autism that do not fit into any other category.  I have discussed this before in previous posts.  By choosing to reveal my autism through this blog to a number of people I have never seen face-to-face was a large step for me.  However, while at work the other day, I took an equally large step.  I told my boss at work that I had autism.

As I said, I have taken a number of people into my confidence at my retail job to inform them of my condition.  I no longer start these significant conversations by saying "I have autism."  I introduce the subject by saying to the person in question: "have you ever heard of autism?"  This allows me to figure out exactly how to approach this person and how much explaining I need to do.  I have approached people in the past who have never heard of autism before, which put me into the position of explaining (often poorly) what autism was and then revealing that I had an unusual form.

Over the past five years, I have never told the management at my retail job that I was on the autism spectrum for various reasons.  I was hesitant because I did not want to be treated differently than everyone else.  It was an ongoing argument I had with myself for the past few months. I felt that I needed to give an explanation, so that the fact that I avoided everyone's eye contact did not get interpreted wrong by my boss. 

So when I did decide to finally tell my boss about my autism, I was not sure if he would understand.  He told me he never would have noticed.  It turned out that he did understand.  During the rest of that day, I saw that he kept on changing how he gave me directions to figure out what worked best.  I could not ask for any more than that.

A Note to My Readers

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I have decided to reorganize my  blog to get out of the rut I have found myself in.  During the past few weeks, my blog has been very spontaneous, with little to no planning involved.  I literally did not know what I was going to write until I sat down at my desktop.  I feel that it has been affecting the quality of my writing.  So, starting next week, I am going to use a new formula that I have developed to organize my blog posts.

I have been consistently posting three times every week, so I am going to keep it that way.  During my first post of the week, I am going to be flexible and write about whatever that is on my mind concerning the autism spectrum.  That will allow me enough room to keep the thought process moving.

For my second post of the week, I am going to do something a little bit different.  I am going to use the advice given to me by Valerie West of The Oakland Press a few weeks ago, and chronicle an ongoing fictional story seen through the eyes of an autistic teenager in various situations.  I think that doing it this way will give more information to my readers than simply talking about topics.

For my third post each week, I am going to catalog a real world event that occurred that particular week concerning the autism spectrum.  I have done this a few times already in previous posts.  If any of my readers have stories they would like me to report to the public, feel free to email me at rmcomins@oakland.edu, preferably with contact information, so I can get a hold of you for more information.

I would like to thank all the people who have kept up with my blog during the past two months.  I hope this new direction I am taking will help people to gain more insight into autism spectrum disorders.

Autistic Basketball Star

I am going to take a moment to talk about a high school basketball player who earned national attention for his performance in a game back in 2006.  Jason McEwain, who was a senior at Greece Athena High School in Rochester New York, scored twenty points in four minutes.  "Swish" went the basket as Jason made a number of clean three pointers, many of which made no contact with the rim.  Jason has high functioning autism.

Jason earned national media attention and has become an inspiration to many who struggle with autism.  Even Former President George W. Bush was enthusiastic to meet the teenage star. "I feel like a celebrity," Jason was quoted in a CBS News article. ¹

^{I remember watching this on a news broadcast during my own senior year of high school.  I can imagine how Jason might have been feeling during those four minutes. It may have been the greatest moment of his life, receiving the gratification from his teammates for his accomplishments.  I give the coach a lot of credit for allowing Jason to play that game.  Not everyone would have done that.}


Interested in watching Jason's performance?  Click on the link below to view the news story as it appeared on CNN.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fw1CcxCUgg


¹ Dakss, Brian. "Autistic Teen's Hoop Dreams Come True." CBS News. March 1, 2010.  August 1, 2011.  
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/02/23/earlyshow/main1339324.shtml

Mood Ring Reference

I am going to take some time to build from the concept I established last time about having a difficult time discerning between senses and emotion.   In this post, I am going to focus on a particular type of emotion: mood.  There is large armory of words to choose for one's current state: happy, sad, lonely, angry, etc. 

This all may seem obvious to most people, but for myself, it is very difficult for me to choose one of those words and label my current state at a given moment.  It is safe to say that my mind does not work like that.  I do not view a given emotion as a current state, but as an absolute reality.  In other words, my current mood is thought as a definition of who I am.  That might seem ludicrous to some people, but it is what I do as a result of my PDD-NOS.

I recently bought a mood ring from the retail store that I work at for ten dollars. It is a pretty thing to wear, even if the elastic band is a little tight.  I had a girl I work with say something to the effect of: it's pretty, but I don't believe that it can show what mood you are in.  Call me naive, but I place a lot of interest in the color of the cheap mood ring.  I wore it for most of the work day both Saturday and Sunday.  All throughout the day, the orb on the ring was blue.  This indicated that I was calm.

It does seem silly to place a lot of faith is a ring, that has elastic bands which will probably fall apart within two years, but I was fascinated how it gave me a reference point to start identifying my own feelings.  During work, I perform the necessary tasks, my mind is quiet, neither feeling pleasure nor pain, neither worry nor exhilaration.  I realized that I was in fact calm while working.  I was not feeling any particular emotion, just blank and responsive to the situation at hand.

Senses Vs. Emotion

In my mind it can be very difficult to tell the difference between sensations and emotions.  When someone asks me how I feel, I am like Spock from "Star Trek:" I really don't know how to answer.  I can distinguish my emotions if I tell someone how I am feeling and receive their judgment, after which I will think oh yeah and then wonder how I could have missed the signs that are now obvious since they have been pointed out.

I can get really agitated at work sometimes due to the daily stress in a retail environment.  The thing is, I often don't recognize that I am agitated and since everyone is trying to get the job done, there is not really opportunity for me to relate my emotions and figure out what is going on.  It is kind of like feeling trapped within myself, when it is really just an illusion.

Slow Change is the Change that Matters

That point in seventh grade when I was an outpatient at the Fox Center was the most definite turning point in my life.  All the escalation that had been occurring for the last few years suddenly stopped.  Everything from my falling school grades to the association with teachers who didn't take the time to understand me, to the classmates who gave me a hard time, everything came to a complete standstill when I started going back to school late October in 2000.  It was almost as though my life can be divided in half from the events prior to October 2000 to the events following October 2000.

When I say that things came to a complete standstill, I don't mean that things started improving right away.  Two months after starting again at middle school I failed a computer class simply because I did not pay attention in class.  That was the last time I ever failed a class.  Boy scouts was still hard for me because they had not noticed the internal change.  Almost a year later at summer camp, I was told by a scout leader that I was not the same person I was a year ago.  I was much calmer, more reserved, kept and I made a point of keeping whatever ecentricities I had to myself.

At the end of the school year in 2001 when I finished up middle school and prepped to enter high school I made the honor role.  This is a luxury I would enjoy all throughout high school.   To this day, I have only received three "C" equivalent grades in college: Precalculus,Calculus I, and Second Year Spanish.  I my remaining three semesters of college, I plan to continue what started that time when I stood up in front of my fellow classmates and realized I was a different person.  A better person.

My Experience with Medications

When I was twelve years old I was taken out of grade school to adjust my medications around. For four weeks I was an outpatient at the Fox Center in Pontiac Michigan.  It was a controlled environment where different medications could be used to determine exactly what I needed to function in day-to-day life. This was the time when I was officially diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified. 

Prior to this time, I had been taking Ridalin since I was three years old.  I had also taken medicines that, instead of helping me, created psychotic side effects.  My parents would refuse to give me those medications.

It was determined during the four weeks I was out of school that I needed a different combination of medications to work with my ADHD, my chemical imbalance, my autism, and my depression.  So they tried different combination's of medicines to find out which dosage suited my needs in that controlled environment.  I remember sitting in a circle with the other patients discussing what was on our minds (this was their way to determine which patients were feeling suicidal thoughts (there were approximately fifteen of us, ranging from age eleven to age sixteen).  In this particular instance, I was heavily sedated, the doctors having overestimated the the dosage my body required.  I remember feeling incredibly drowsy and was completely unconcerned with the fact that I was drooling on the floor while leaning forward in my lap.

Eventually I was prescribed with Remoron, a form of Mirtazipine, to deal with my depression symptoms; Risperdal, a form of Risperidone, which helped me think more clearly through my autistic mind (Risperidone has been associated with weight gain.  I was fairly skinny before this point and I have been struggling with my weight ever since seventh grade); and I was prescribed the controlled substance Concerta to help me think more clearly through my ADHD.  Concerta is a controlled due to the "high" it produces in those who do not have ADHD.

My medicine has been stable for the past ten years and their are noticeable differences in my clarity of thought if, for instance, I forgot to take my Concerta one morning. I accept the fact that I will probably have this combination of medications for the rest of my life.  I'm okay with this, if that's what it takes for me to be able to do the things I want to do with my life.

"Sensory Friendly" films?

I recently heard the term "sensory friendly films" and its association with autism.  What it means is there are some movies that are easier on the senses than others.  In terms of my own senses, when I was younger, I have found that horror films were overwhelming for me.  At age thirteen, I was left shaking with nightmares for years following after viewing a dark comedy. 

I can watch that same movie now, nearly ten years later, and not get worried at all.  One thing kept me intriguing me with horror and action films and that was curiosity.  I could not help viewing such movies because I wanted to know what happened.  If left a action or horror movie unfinished, my imagination would try to anticipate what the conclusion might be.  More often or not, my imagination would predict much darker outcomes than what actually occurred in the films.

Everyone on the autism spectrum do not find the same films sensory friendly as others do.  I know someone with Aspergers Syndrome who is not bothered by horror at all.  Quite the contrary actually, horror is her autistic interest that she dedicates much time and energy to exposure.

Separation from Reality

A major characteristic in autism that is evident in the people who deal with the condition on a day to day basis is the separation between reality and fantasy in the autistic mind.  You can connect this to a basic marketing principle: the separation between the desired state and actual state, which many marketers try to exploit.  In the mind of someone with autism, the idea state becomes reality, and cannot be easily distinguished from the actual state.

One thing my parents did as I was growing up is that they constantly intruded on my "own little world."  They made me participate in cub scouts, bowling leagues, swimming lessons, and t-ball.  Through these events, I socialized with others my age and participated in group activities.  At that time in my life, I was preoccupied about day dreams consisting of "Star Wars" characters emerging into my reality and taking me to their reality.  I was still able to distinguish these fantasies from my reality, especially after receiving a formal autism diagnosis, and changing my medicines around to work with my other problems I was having at that time.

These days, I am doing alright with my job and school, while keeping my idea reality separate from my actual reality.  When I was younger, I had a number of "Star Wars" toys.  I would use these as characters (I had about fifty of them at one point) in stories that were quite independent from the roles these characters had in the "Star Wars" films.  I started to direct my own little world into these stories acted out by my "Star Wars" characters, until I couldn't really get around the fact that they were made out of plastic and were no longer capable at satisfying my stories.  I was about sixteen then.  At this point, I started to write my stories down.

Six years and a number of rough drafts later, I am using my writing experience in another attempt at making my fantasies into realities by writing the first installment in my fantasy series.  My expectations for my written fiction are high, and I just do not have time or energy to do everything I want to do with my writing, but I hope to have this first fantasy novel finished within five years. Then, my fantasies that have grown with me over the years, can be experienced by others bridging the gap between my desired state and actual state, or my own little world and my life.

Black and White Thinking

One trait I have noticed through my own autism that seems to be true for others on the spectrum as well is that we have a strong tendency to think in black and white.  I am going to clarify what it means to think in black and white through a definition I found on the web:

"Dichotomous thinking is also sometimes called “black or white thinking.” This is when someone is only able to see the extremes of a situation, and is unable to see the “gray areas” or complexities of the situation. For example, a student who engages in dichotomous thinking may believe that if they don't get an "A" in class then they have failed."

I also like to call this an all or nothing mentality.  When I am faced with a problem, I find that only the best case scenario, and the worst case scenario in a given situation.  Think about a parent trying to teach their child with autism that it is safe to approach some people and others should be considered as "strangers."  This is difficult for the child to comprehend if they think in black and white.  To that child, there are only two options: talk to a person or don't talk to a person.  Trying to teach a child with autism about stranger danger goes against their natural tendencies.  In my experience, I have found comfort in the prospect that one kind of action, such as not talking to anybody I don't know already, solved the stranger danger tendency without going against my natural tendencies. 

This is only my experience with a natural all-or-nothing   mentality. Believe me, when I am out in the world trying to live my life, awareness of this tendency does not change the fact that I approach most problems with my black and white thinking.  It's just something that everyone on the autism spectrum needs to work on.

Autism and Certain Food Textures

As I grew up, it became apparent that there were some types of food that I just could not handle eating.  Some of those foods include: any type of potato (excluding crispy and salty french fries), stuffing, certain kinds of bratwurst, mustard, onions, mushrooms, the list goes on.  There are also some types of food that I used to not like when I was younger, but now I eat on a regular basis.  This list includes pizza and lasagna.  I particularly cannot stand the texture and general feel of mashed potatoes.  Just having the vegetable in my mouth creates a retching sensation.  It goes beyond simply not liking the taste.

In some cases with autism, the texture of certain types of food cause a sensory overload, such as my case with the mashed potatoes.  I understand that parents want their kids to eat their vegetables, but understand that when my parents forced me to eat mashed potatoes when I was younger, far from making me appreciate the vegetable, it made me hate them even more and strive to avoid them as soon as it was my choice to do so.

Social Acceptance

The number one thing that someone with autism is looking for is acceptance for who they are, even if they are not completely understood.  I am no exception to this.

I have compiled a group of friends over the years that do just that.  Ever since high school, it has become an unspoken rule to give me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to my words or actions.  I am kind of the outsider of the group, but I can still participate in the games or social activities that I choose.  If I say something that is socially unacceptable, they might look at each other with confused expressions, but then they move on without saying anything.  I might be embarassed, when I realize (after the fact) what had occurred, but overall, I am grateful for being accepted.   I wish that every autistic person could have this opportunity to be accepted in this way.

I also offer a word of caution: it is important for people with autism to recognize their social limitation.  Just because a person with autism is accepted by a particular social group, it does not mean that they can do or say anything they want.  I have lost friends before by not recognizing social cues that indicate I am pushing too hard to be accepted by someone who is just not willing to give me what I ask.  I often day dreamed throughout high school about being the most popular or the guy with the best girlfriend.  When it came to pursuing this vision by asking for too much from friends, it only caused more discomfort and drama than I was willing to deal with.  My advice to people with autism who are looking for acceptance from friends, accept your place within a particular social group, and don't ask for too much from the people who are doing you a favor by allowing you to be a part of their group.

Living with Autism

It is really the unknown that intrigues so many people when it comes to autism.  Here is this condition of alternative behavior that is so multifaceted, so varied to the extent that it has an entire spectrum which tries to encompass this diversified range of behaviors.  When people hear that I have autism, even people who have known me for years, they revise their perception of me based on what they know about autism, and based on what they know about me.  There are some situations where people don't notice that I have autism and I choose not to tell them, due to my own judgment of the situation.

In many cases, some people are actually frightened of autism because it contradicts many things that they believe about people. I am going to use some very crude stereotypes to illustrate this point.  From what I have seen, there are some people who believe that there are two categories to conveniently group those they meet and associate with.  In their eyes, there are people who are smart and people who are dumb.  They revise their behavior around those categories, treating the people in each category accordingly.  It simplifies life a great deal, in their minds.  Keep in mind that this is my interpretation of this kind of rationale.

Now add autism into the mix.  These people with autism cannot be placed into either one of the categories.  People with autism, especially Aspergers, can be very smart in some areas of their lives, and not so smart in other areas.  In other words, they fall into both of these categories.

I don't mean to offend anyone with this post.  I am in the position where I can only imagine how people's minds work, having lived with autism my entire life.  I don't know what it is like to think and feel like most people do.  In a way, I think I have it better, living with my type of autism.  Life is much more vibrant, much more interesting.  As a member of the autism spectrum, I have to find my own path to follow in life, instead of following in someones footsteps.  There are always trials that come up through misunderstandings, it is just a cruel reality. 

The way I see it, this is my life.  I didn't choose it.  I can't change it.  I might as well make the best of it and try to find happiness, like everyone else.

Autistic Routine

One characteristic of different types of autism is the presence of a rigid routine in daily life.  This routine differs between autistic people and is followed reverently.  To an autistic person, a deviation in the routine that they are used to represents a total loss of order in their lives.  This is demonstrated in the film "Rain Man" where breaks in the routine of the autistic man displayed by Dustin Hoffman result in shocking public tantrums.  In the case of Hoffman's character, this routine depended on viewing certain TV shows at certain times, eating breakfast a certain way, things of that nature.

The presence of this routine is calming for a person with autism.  In their mind, the break in routine creates an irrational sense of fear.  This problem has never really affected me the way it affects others with autism.  I am trying to interpret this behavior using the few instances I have had where something unexpected occurred and I had to adapt.

There have been instances where an item that I was searching for, such as a charging cord, was not where I expected it to be.  I would enter my autistic mind and search mindlessly for the object of desire, always passing by the places where I expect it to be while feeling a sense of loss.  This actually did happen earlier this week as I was searching for the charging cord for my Nintendo DS.  The loss of this cord (which was eventually found) meant that I could not follow the routine that I have established in recent weeks and play my video games while watching TV.  I would have to find something else to do with my time, which my autistic mind resisted.  Eventually I calmed down and started occupying my time doing other things, but the autistic mind, when it is set in a routine, is determined to mindlessly follow through with that routine, whatever it is. 

My symptoms are much milder than others who have different forms of autism.  Even so, with the cooperation of friends and family, I don't see any reason why both the autistic individual and their loved ones can't both be satisfied with the lives they lead.

My Autism and My Social Life

I went out with a good friend last night.  We went bowling, got some dinner, wandered around a store, had a good time.  The last time I went out with someone was three weeks previously with the same person.  Because of my autism, my social outings are few and far in between.  I know people who are not on the spectrum socialize whenever they're bored, or out of routine, or because they feel the need to be with people.  I am not the type of person who will call up a friend, "hey, do you want to do something today?"  This type of spontaneous action makes me feel uncomfortable, but that might be the fact that I am an introvert, and not due to my autism.

Sometimes, I meet with a group of friends to play sports.  As of the present date, I have not done this in nearly two months.  I have noticed that in smaller groups of friends I am much more outgoing, and with larger groups of friends I hardly speak at all.  I just find it harder to communicate when I feel that a lot of people are watching me. I prefer to text with a friend rather than call them up.  This adds some distance and freedom to respond to an inquiry when I feel ready, not holding someone one the line while I try to figure out what to say.  It's not like I don't have a social life at all, I just prefer to spend more time alone than with friends.

Inside My Autistic Mind

Since I am high functioning PDD-NOS, I view my mind as having two independent parts.  One part is the split between my rational/emotional mind that handles all my day to day activities from work, school, home life, and to a limited extent, my social life.  The second part is the autistic mind, which is more difficult to relate because I do not think with words through this part of my mind.  To put this another way, my autistic mind is "my own little world."  Repetitive movement, such as pacing, can tap into my autistic mind and at these moments I can enter vivid daydreams.

I have heard that some people think with mental images when they are in their autistic mind, others think in sequences or patterns.  Temple Grandin clarified this concept of autistic thinking in her book "The Way I See It" so I have generated the following ideas from reading that book.  When I am in my autistic mind, I think in sequences of related information. I can memorize sequences, such as music or movie quotes, with relative ease when I am in my autistic mind.  I don't like to claim that I can do this normally because the moment I become aware that it is happening while it is taking place, the process stops. 

Sometimes movie quotes stick in my mind and echo over and over again.  The quotes that stand out the most often relate to what I am feeling at a given moment.  It is much easier to recall facts, or movie lines in my head when I am in my autistic mind.  However, when prompted to communicate, the only thing that comes to mind are those movie lines, which does not help me in a given situation.  A strategy I have developed to push away my autistic mind and function in a work environment, for example, is to ask people to repeat themselves and verify what is often obvious information.  This allows me to network through my autistic mind come to a conclusion, or find a way to solve a customer's inquiry.  I side effect of this is people who don' know me very well assume that I am not as intelligent as I really am, which can't be helped, even if I don't like it.  The people who do know me, such as my parents or my brother, say that I often ask questions that I know the answer to and view that as a source of annoyance.  This also can't be helped.

One assumption that my autistic mind makes is that people and situations can be taken at face value.  In other words, my autistic mind assumes that people actually mean what they say.  This assumption is so deeply ingrained that no amount of self reasoning can convince my autistic mind otherwise.  Based upon this, I really do not understand sarcasm.  I can recognize sarcasm when it is used, but I really don't know what to say in response to a sarcastic statement because my rational/emotional mind is telling me one thing and my autistic mind is telling me something else entirely.  I can even use sarcasm simply because I understand my own intentions well enough.  However, my literal autistic mind is not naturally equipped to handle sarcasm, which doesn't do me any good in situations where sarcasm is used (quite often). 

Sometimes people recognize that I don't have a grasp on sarcasm, and decide to have a little "fun" causing my autistic mind to seize up and lean towards a sensory overload.  I understand that no one likes being messed with, but I take serious offense to such occasions because I will often remember the situation for a very long time afterward, whether I want to or not.  A simple occasions of "fun" when I dealing with my autistic mind can really mess up my entire day if I am at work.  My autistic mind would be confused, trying with all its might to understand a sarcastic statement that cannot be literally understood, leaving me with a sensory overload.  Sometimes I am able to stop this from happening, sometimes I can't.  I honestly don't see any "fun" involved whatsoever.

I hope that awareness of this concept of the autistic mind will make it easier for individuals with autism to function in the workplace by raising awareness of the thought processes involved.